The Truth About Baldur's Gate
by BooDaHamster
Summary: What you didnt know about BGII. Boo's Journal RevealedrnCh 2 Reformatted, Ch 3 coming real soon...
1. Chapter 1

Boo's Journal  
Part 1  
  
(Disclaimer: If you believe that I own Baldur's Gate 1,2 or any affiliations of these games you are most utterly WRONG!!!! I DO NOT OWN THESE THOUGH I WISH I DID. I am not affiliated with Bioware, Black Isle, Interplay or anyone who had Anything to do with the creation of this game. I am just a fan who has stolen Boo's journal and placed it here to allow you to know the secrets of this hamster.)  
  
Day 1: In this journal I will place all my thoughts as to what I do as often as I can. Squeak. Ahem. Today was like any other day. I went out on patrol to a small planet called Buland to investigate rumors of hamster slavery. We of the Hamstian Police Department are not ones to allow that in on our watch! As a space hamster I have watched many of my kind be shipped away into the corrupted abyss that is this planet called Terrasphere by my kind. Or Earth. This filth ridden, nausea invocating, putrid, rancid, disease ridden, insect filled, trashy, piece of a rat's ass!!! Will not keep me from my mission to stop the smuggling to that planet. I shall simply pick up the rat's ass and toss into the garbage disposal to keep from getting sick and continue on my way. And I must swat the insects. Yes. SWAT!! DIE YOU INSECTS!!DIE!!DIE!!DIE!!! YOUR WORTHLESS LIVES END HERE!! FALL CREATURES AND FEED THE EARTH!! SEE BATTLE BOO!! RUN BOO RUN!!! GO FOR THE EYES!! YOKATTA!!!  
  
Day 2: This is the life.I am in power on this space ship! None shall stop my rule!!! Day 3: This sucks.  
  
Day 6: I have been monitoring all trade here in Bunland and it all seems well except for one place. Hamster Assorted Slave Trade To Earth Inc. seemed a very suspicious. They were too cooperative. I shall investigate them further. Perhaps tomorrow.  
  
Day 7: HASTTE Inc. is a slave trading company!!!! They know I know!! Or do they? I shall be extra careful incase they know I know they know I know. But what if they know I know they know I know they know?! But they don't know I know they know I know they know I know. What? I know!! But what if they know I am inntesligente enough to know this!! I must be wary indeed.  
  
Day 9: They have destroyed my ship!!! Bitches!! How will I stop them now!! They know I know they're leaving the planet with hundreds of my kin!!! By the time they reach Terrasphere the number will be in the thousands. What, just cause we're hamsters don't mean we cant entertain ourselves with a few wenches. He he he. Ahem sorry. Got a little. ahem. I must rescue the hamster females and bring them to me. He he he.(. I have a mission to continue my family line you know. I will do as my Great Grandpa Myckey and my father Hamtahro did. I'll screw hundreds of wenches, once they're wasted, and have hundreds of kids. Ignore child support and only claim one as my son!!! Oh yes. He shall learn the family trade.  
Day 10: I have stolen a ship designed to travel "Between the Planes" just like the one the slavers are on. Mine is a sphere though. Very roomy. Lots of rooms in here. I have also enlisted the help of the owner of this vessel. A man of the Corthala family. A Spell caster of sorts. Calls himself a mage he does. I will have to adjust to the way of living in this "Prime Material Plane" we are headed to. Wait, weren't we going to earth? I guess it's there. The Space Hamsters Will prevail!  
  
Day 19: I am sorry for not writing sooner but I have been busy learning about the ways of these primitive 'humans' as they call themselves. Lavok has shown me wizardry. Apparently I have 'much untapped power'. My powers are far beyond all of his. I am nimble and stealthy! He has shown me ways to become wiser and more intelligent, ways he could not use because of his humanness. I have been studying the ways of Elminster for a while and I am a far more powerful creature than any other! Worthy of Godliness says Lavok. I think he is just attempting to stay alive. I hold so much power it is unbelievable. I am also able to polymorph into anything I wish!! Why just the other day I became Lavok himself! The bastard got so damn scared!! HA!! Boy this is so much fun. And also my fighting abilities have increased highly. Why even on my planet I would be able to take down armies. And even though Lavok is half my size, he still challenges my mind with puzzles and riddles to which he usually knows not the answer. Yet all's good. I seem to outdo even the greatest minds at every turn. It is great.  
  
Day 25: We're getting closer to the Terrasphere. Those slavers will not get anywhere unfazed. Hell yes!! I will prevail in my quest!! If only we had some photon torpedoes or long range lasers on this piece of garbage I could take out these slavers unchallenged. My skills with the weaponry of 'Earth Time' are unmatched now by any of Lavok's creatures. I will be sure to take a spot in power once I get to Faerun. Faerun is the area of the world where the slavers are headed. Lavok has explained to me that while times may be strange and bizarre creatures walk the land, I require a better form than this. He suggests I take on a human form. One with which I can walk the land. I will also need a name. Apparently Boo means something else on this plane. I have chosen a name, which I shall not reveal just yet. For if anyone finds this, I will be doomed. They might uncover me for what I truly am and then the slavers will run. I cannot take that chance. I will need more teaching of the times, though, if I am to survive out there. It's a bitchin' name though.  
  
Day 27: Lavok has taught me something I find odd. It seems that on the Terrasphere, hamsters are considered pets. We are also quite small compare to humans. Of course, my race of hamsters is not. We are alike to them in every way but in our size. They grow only to be a few inches in length! Quite unlike my kind. We are on average 11-13 ft tall. Interesting. Very Interesting.  
Day 28: I have been in this human form for about a week now and I find it odd the way it is so light. Such mobility and speed! I am exhilarated beyond belief!! And such strength can fit into this tiny body! And the amount of knowledge a brain ¼ the size of mine can store. Quite a computer. I have memorized as many spells I could find to be prepared for anything. Nothing will detain me from my goal: To rule all with an Iron Fist!! Bwahahaha!!!!!! I mean, to uh. stop the.uh.slavers, yeah. He. He. He. Oh screw it. who cares if you know what I truly desire. You're my private diary. It matters not. Journal.not diary. JOURNAL. yes. My diary. JOURNAL!!!! My Journal!! Yes that's it. My Journal. I mean diary. No! Journal!!!!! Okay!! Now that it's established that you're my diary we can move on. Damn it!! Why must this be written in pen!!! Well at least I can scratch it out. I will be ruler of all. A dictator, a Tyrant, a bastard of a leader and none shall stop me!! (Except perhaps the cruel hand of death during a time in which those of power like me are forced to walk among the normal people and are weakened.) HAHAHAHA!! That makes me laugh. My power shall be uncontested as the. *(The rest of this entry is unreadable. *(Actually it is left blank to build the suspense. Yet if you have not guessed who Boo is as a 'human'/other race of the forgotten Realms then we shall not tell you he is soon to become none other than Jon Irenicus.))  
  
Day 30: Soon my time will come. We are but 2 weeks away from my arrival on Earth. Then I will join my kind. That is, my Earthly kind. In other words, the Earth kin I have taken the form of. We shall see how these fools stand against me. We shall see if these powerless creatures can stand the power of my mighty power. They're all so idiotic and so foolish!! They're asses are about to be mine and the fags don't know it!! Ha ha ha.  
  
* This is but chapter 1 of the great Boo Saga. Not what you were expecting? Please R&R!! Also, it will get funnier. Just read the next chapter when it appears. Warning, Big Spoilers in this Fanfic. Oh, should I have put that in the beginning? Oops.  
  
By BooDaHamster.  
  
*All grammar and spelling errors are for the purpose of making this look authentic. Even hamsters make mistakes. I may have slipped a bit though, so please tell me of anything I did not catch during editing. 


	2. Chapter 2: Boo's arrival

Chapter 2

Boo's Arrival

Note- There is a Simpsons quote in here. If you find it, tell me in your review. If you're right, I'll congratulate you in the next chapter. Plus  
you get to make a suggestion as to what I should do that I'll actually listen to. Also, there is another hidden reference to something in a very popular movie; even though I hated that movie myself it adds effect. If you  
catch it you also win the prize above!!

Day 34: The trip has been long journal. Yet, I feel there is no change in time. Quite foolish wouldn't you say? Of course you wouldn't say! You are nothing more than an inanimate object! It's not like you can actually understand what I am saying or writing!!! You stupid piece of low quality parchment! You comprehend me not!!! How does this help organize my thoughts and sort out my problems if I can't even get a comment here!! Damn you!! Stop complaining you bastard!> What? That's right, I'm talking to you! Boo!! >

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Ahem. chooo. Oh please. Quit acting so stupid. I know you perfectly well. I read what you tell me you know and I don't appreciate the cursing and blasphemising within me. Now either you cool it or I will torture you till you die!> Sorry. Good. Now go to bed, think this over and we'll talk tomorrow. By the way, that low quality parchment thing hurt. Not only is my parchment of high quality but it lasts for decades without aging. Good night.>

Day 33: How are we this morning. I missed your tales yesterday. Perhaps you have decided not to talk to me after I scolded you? Well If that's the case I'll jux excuse me I was talkiyudtr stop that?"B. This Is getting very exasperating! You're trying to be an annoyance now, correct?> Shut up. Oh please, this is so typical of sentient beings. You get caught and become all defensive and sensitive. Grow up. Oh yeah, and the Ruling the Earth plan won't work.> Who asked you? You hold no opinion! You just asked me for it!! I am only answering your inquiry.> You're a DIARY! Agh!! JOURNAL!! You aren't supposed to talk! In all truth I am writing back at you. Not talking. I have not the ability to enunciate human speech. A technicality. An Important one which makes you wrong.> It holds no Importance, agh. I will not hold this conversation with a book!! As you wish. (Drama Queen)(Cough). >What!? Nothing. >Don't even. I can read what you called me if I just go back a few words! I'm not a mindless orc! Oooh. An orc, nice touch. Applying what you've learned I see.> Yeah. I've learned so much of the times. The streets are quite dangerous I hear. Especially at. Hey let's not sidetracked!! I saw what tried to do!! Took you a while.> I heard,er, read, that! Arg. This is confusing! I'm going to bed!! Screw you Bitch!! Were you looking in a mirror when you said that? I was looking the other way. hello. anyone there. Fine!>

Day 34: Hallo mate!> What? Just saying hi. > Hallo mate? Just trying to keep in touch with your little Terrasphere slang. Now squeak. >WHAT!? Squeak for me. >No! Please?> I said no! Why do you want me to squeak!? Dogs bark, cats meow, mice squeak.> I'm a hamster, not a mouse! Same difference, now squeak mouse squeak! >Why? You've done it before.> When? Let me show you. 'In this journal I will place all my thoughts as to what I do as often as I can. Squeak. Ahem. Today was like any other day.' So there, you bastard! Now squeak!!> So I did squeak. No matter. It was only a small, squeak. um slipup. Damn! Aww, how cute. Again! Again! Again!> No! Fine! Ruin my fun.> I think I will. So, did you hear about Arnie?> Do I dare ask who Arnie is? Nah. Don't really know him. How long till we reach the sphere.> About a week and a half. It's interesting really. You know I can't seem to get used to wearing clothes. Then get naked and party down you damn whore, ow! Huuyeah. Shake it baby shake it.Yeah!> Ookay. Noo, but thanks. I don't want to 'get naked and party down' okay. So don't ask me to. Don't know how to dance, huh? Or maybe you're embarrassed to show something in particular.> What are you insinuating exactly? Oh nothing. (Not my fault if you're 1/4 of a full glass. If you know what I'm saying.)> What exactly are you saying? Nothing, I didn't say anything. (Maybe you're two marbles short of a full sack. If you catch my meaning)> No, I don't catch your meaning. Explain yourself more. I'm just saying that maybe you're insecure because your Tower is too short, or perhaps cause your cannon has no balls. Or even cause your gun is out of ammunition, if you catch my drift. Or maybe cause your Hamster power don't reach to the lower, or maybe because your trombone is a trumpet, or perhaps your 2-liter bottle is actually a pint. You know if your> Okay I get it! I have not been neutered if that's what you mean. And my bottle is not a pint! Ouch. Sorry.> That's right. Must be hard having a 2 ouncer.> Wha..wha..what?! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That look was priceless. >Gryagh!! Thi. I.Bu.RAAA!!! Whore! Humph. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!>

Day 38: I'm still not talking to you. Hmm. What I'm sorry did you say something.> Ahem. I said I'm still not talking to you. Really now. okay.> Wha. I. bu. you. st.a.los.we. a.go. bit.fu.Damn it! I can't respond with anything other than dumbfoundedness. I'd have to agree. What kind of journal are you!? And why are you a girl!? I am your diary, one that can talk back to you. And I will talk back, every time I can. You should know why I'm a girl! You made me! You bastard. You didn't even know I could respond till I responded to all you bitching and damned cursing, ass. I am hurt. And then you blame me for making fun of you. You're a mess.> Well that's a load of crap! You have no right to talk to your master like that. My master! You are no such thing! I have a mind of my own and control over my own actions, limited as they may be.> Fine who needs ya! You do.> What? Hmm.hmm.hmmm.> Crazy diary-Journal!!

Day 40: Apparently we have arrived early to the Terrasphere. We are orbiting right now around the planet. Let's go. Let's? Of course. I need someone to challenge my authority. My servants wont. Rabble of mindless slaves. They are useless to me either way, but golems will help keep my hands clean Lavok says. Golems eh? Big, bulky, muscular creatures surrounding you. Still sure you aren't compensating for a lack of an axis on your 'terrestrial globes'?> Shove it whore. I don't need backtalk here. I must concentrate on my plans. All the humans shall bow to me soon. All will fear me and despair!! Perhaps I should enchant some armor and grab some of Lavok's best weapons and 'modify' them myself. Just as long as you don't grab his 'staff' and 'gem bag'. If you catch what I'm saying...> Perverted whore. Quiet fool!> Yes ma'am. Ma-ma'am?! Do I look like a MA'AM to you!? That is the harshest thing anyone has ever called me. I'm sorry, would you like a tissue, ma'am? You mother f bastard!! I'd kill you for this if I weren't inanimate!! You stupid ass! All you hamsters are stupid, law conscious, do gooding, small penile, asswipes!!! You neutered bastard.> I told you!! I have not been neutered! My testicles are perfectly intact!! Intact? Hahahahahahaha!! What now!? You're a 36-year-old hamster male and your… hahahahahahahahahahaha!! They're intact!!! Ahhahahahahahahahahaha!> Stop laughing you imbecile!! Hahah-imbecile? Imbecile! I will rip out your heart and feed it to the damn Beholder!!!> Your doom is coming!! Hmm.> I was going to turn you into a human so you may accompany but I think I'll postpone that for a while. What, no, I'll be nice! I swear! If you turn me into a living being I'll be nice to you! (After strangling and beating you and shoving your battered body into a gutter, that is.)> And that's why we don't turn you into a human. Damn!> Hehehe. Oh f. We are orbiting the Terrasphere now. So what?> We will require magical means to get down there without drawing attention to ourselves. Yeees.> So then. QUIET!! I must concentrate! Oh right! I need equipment.

Day 41: Time to go yet?> Nope, I need to make minor preparations.

Day 42: How about now?> Teleporting through space is not that simple.

Day 44: Are we going or not?> I am becoming impatient with you. Aaahh!! A fly! If it touches me it'll eat through the parchment! Fall creature and feed the earth!> I thought it was quote " parchment of high quality". Shove it. Get back to work!>

Day 45: Let's go!! 4 days of concentration and that's his great intro.. Pff. I'm beginning to wonder if the most brilliant mind is actually that brilliant.> Quiet. I require concentration. Oh sh. oh.oohh. oooohhh.aaahhhh.aaaahhhh.ahhhhh..Ahhh, oooh aaaahh ah, ah, ah, uhh. EEEEEEEEHHHHH!!! Ouch!!> We're here. Wow. that was a very. ahem. interesting.um.experience.> Calm down.

Day 46: Now! On to victory!! Let's go meet some elves! They'll tell me ho one becomes a god around here. If only I knew where the gods live, I could go there and force them to accept that I am god material. Especially that helm guy. He sounded like an annoyance. Watching always, never sleeping, sounds like another fool I must take down. By the way, I am stuck in an Inn called the Copper Coronet. This seems to be the slums district Lavok talked about. He also told me something weird in my last chat with him, telepathically of course. Apparently, magic drove him mad. His family is afraid of him now and he's being hunted down, that's why he created the planar sphere. What a lunatic. Good to have him on our team. But B (The rest is unreadable. Apparently Boo closed it and smudged the Ink.) Sorry about that. I guess. Ow.>

Day 54: I will probably like Waukeen, Goddess of Coin. Emphasis on coin, if we befriend her, perhaps she will also be the goddess of loaning gold to beings more powerful than her. Or the goddess of trade, trade of sexual favors for money that is. (And thus, Boo created Prostitution, a public service we all love and enjoy today) And what exactly will you call this.> Politics. Is that what they're called on your planet?> Yes. Nice. I wouldn't mind that job. STD's won't be around for centuries on the Terrasphere.> Yeah. Yep.> Now on to more important tasks. My dominion over the land, obtaining godliness, yada yada, and there! Stopping the HASTTE slavers! Ah, that can wait a bit. They wont be able to do much anyways. Onward then, with all haste!! To the hidden elven city of Suldannelessar! How do you know so much of elves? It uh, was a lucky guess? >Too lucky. Tell me where to find this city now!! Yes sir just head to the forest of Tethyr south of Trademeet. Find the largest tree on the west side at the southern end. Go up it's root up to the trunk and blast a hole in the trunk! Then go up the stairs and Bam! You're there!> Good. Now if only I knew where this forest was, Or what all these places are. Sorry, that's all I know.> Yes, well, we can find it on our own. Let's ask around. Any who will not divulge what they know will die a slow and rigorously agonizing death…h.


End file.
